xmas parties and getting reacclamated

so the past few days were pretty good. Jeremy was home thursday and friday, and starting wednesday we had xmas parties to go to at the base and for his old command and also one last night at the Chaplain's house from the base chapel where he works. The parties went good and the food was ok. I made it a point to eat a meal at each one of these since im making my meat supply last at home until we get paid on the fifteenth. lol. I took my med terminology exam the day before yesterday, I got a 90. Yesssss! I think i should pass with a B. I only have one exam left, religion, and that should be it for the rest of the semester. We start back jan 10th. All in all everything is ok. Church tomorrow... should be nice to see everyone again. Hopefully Jeremy can get as into it as I am.... nite all! xoxox
-E

Fresh Start...

Its been a few months since I wrote last. I actually left my husband. We are back together now... dont really wanna talk about the details leading up to me leaving but would rather hype about how good everything is now that ive finally stood up for myself. we are going to counseling for the first time together this week, he is doing his own individual counseling too. im working again which feels great, and our sex life is impeccable lol!! im happy to be home and finally feeling like things could be on track versus complete chaos... anyway just been reading alot, this semester for school is about over, exams all this week. I think tomorrow if im not on an assignment for work ill go ahead and run over to tcc to the testing center and take my final for medical terminology. wish me luck! ive got three exams left and then i start back up again jan 10th. hope all is well with the rest of you guys. check out my reading list too the last few books i read while being in tampa were about the only things that keep mymind busy and my head racing...so sexyyy!! xoxoxo

F.R.A.C.T.U.R.E.

I have a small wrist fracture to my dominant hand and it is casted now.....do u kno how hard it is to not have use of ur main hand....wtf....fml

wishing for better days.....

I wish that I had something good and happy to write about today. I wish my heart wasnt so heavy that i cant think of a single good thing to talk about. I wish my marriage was back to how it used to be. I wish i wasnt being abused...I wish he hadnt flipped out to day and hurt me like he did. i think he wishes that too. im scared. i love him but im so scared. i feel like my mother, being in an abusive marriage. I know what its like to watch a woman get hit, now i know what it feels like too. my wrist is sprained my body aches and i have a gash under my hair on the side of my head from where his keys hit me when he threw them my direction. i hate this. i hate feeling like i dont know who he is anymore. he isnt the man i thought i married. and the funny thing is i thought things would be so much better since his accident. he almost died u kno...and i was there...holding his hand, bathing him, feeding him, fighting with nurses, dealing with doctors and surgeons. i never left him, maybe to go home and sleep a few hours at night, but that was only because he was at a military hospital and i wasnt allowed to stay the night, otherwise i would have. i dont have to do anything that i do for him. i dont have to cook, clean, fuck him, treat him nice, be faithful, support him, manage the money, take care of both dogs...everything. i do everything. im sorry for this post because it puts him and our relationship in such a bad light. and i just want to say, this isnt the usual for us. these past two or three months have been a down hill slope. ever since he started riding his stupid motorcycle again and joined this bike club, he is angry, childish, selfish and he rebels for everything i say. i asked him today if he really wanted to even be married anymore...he said he didnt kno. that when i looked up some info on divorce, i dont kno how it works, and i think i need to prepare myself if that is where this whole situation could lead. do i want it to? NO...would i go thru with it...YES. its not an easy decision, especially when he is all u have know for 4 years and he is your first for pretty much everything. i thought he was my best friend...but his priorities are all messed up. of course he apologized and cried about how he doesnt even recognize himself anf how sorry he is for freaking out like that. that he does love me and wants to work it out. he is gonna go for counseling to deal with his anger issues. he knows that he has emotional problems from the things that happened to him as a child...blah blah blah....ive heard these words before, lets see if he really does it. because honestly, im hanging by a thread. im so depressed and honestly a little suicidal at times. not that i would really do anything, but the thoughts do come to my mind. i feel unappreciated and empty alot of the time and i feel hopeless. I pray and try to talk to God and I guess i am so desperate for a change that i want God to work on my time, but i kno that he doesnt do it that way. I kno how it works, but as a human being our emotions always get the best of us...idk...i really going thru right now, and if anyone out there could say a little prayer that we can make it, i would really appreciate it. night guys....

-E

Clockwork Angel

Yesterday I ran a few errands. Picked up meds for chi chi, went to the mall to pick up my contacts, and then i went to barnes and noble to buy a books or two. Its been a while since ive found a book that I cant stop reading. Like its been since I finished the twilight saga nearly a year ago..... anyway, I bought this book called Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare. WOW! is all i can say. IT IS SOOOO GOOD! If you are into twilight, then you will love this book. I also got another book called Fallen. The summary on the back sounds great and it has to do with fantasy and magic which I love but also romance. Now im not the kind of person that reads wierd fantasy like the Lord of the Rings and other wierd stuff like that. I like stuff that is semi magical and has romance. Idk is that a wierd description? Anyway. Today we found out that Jeremy's best friend here in VA got beat up this morning by his 19 yeard old wife's father because she said he hit her. If you knew Hill you would also know that he isnt that type of guy even if she freakin deserved it, he wouldnt hit her. She is a bitch and so immature. He never should have married her. And she has a kid from another guy, who Hill fathers as his own. In the past 4 months ive seen his weigh drop dramatically. He is like a zombie. I hate seeing him like that. But i hope that he makes the right decision and leaves her. He doesnt need a crazy chick like that in his life.

Later on today im suppose to go to a Ladies Luncheon with some girls from my church. Its mainly the choir girls. All close to my age, so it will be nice to have a girls day. I would like to spend time with jeremy at some point today, but i dont see that happening....idk. Im not going to change my plans for him because he never does that for me.

Alright well, i hope someone reads this and cares to write back. Would be nice to hear from someone. ttyl

-E

10.7.10

Its interesting to me how fast my days go by, but when im actually going through just one, it seems like forever. Its probably because I spend so much time alone. While Jeremy is at work, there isnt much to do. I find myself cleaning and cleaning and rearranging stuff for no reason. Most of the time I try to sleep in as long as I can....or until the dogs cry because they are hungry or want to go outside. To me, its like the less hours im awake, the less hours I actually have to deal with the fact that everything sucks so bad right now. My marriage is rocky, i dont have a job...not because of me or anything or because I do want one, because I do. It just seems that ever since I moved here to virgnia, that its been nothing but disappointment. I was sick when i first got here last December. I couldnt walk for nearly five months and was on serious pain killers for seven. I had surgery to remove the disk that was herniated and then BAAMMM....my husband gets hit by a car on his motorcycle. Mind you, his happened a week and a half after my surgery. He was in the hospital for 7 days and being the good wife that I am, because honestly, not all wives do their job and the ones that do should be treated amazingly...anyway off on a tangent there. Um, yea, I didnt go back to work because he needed someone to take care of him. There is no family near us. Everyone of them is back in Florida where we are from. Jeremy and I met our senior year of highschool. So in love we were. We have been through alot and our relationship has surely been tested of its strengths. Its hard....especially being a military wife and being married to a guy that thinks he is 16 still. But thats another issue, for another day. These days im trying to focus more on me, and less on Jeremy. Too much of my time has been revolved around him and his schedule to the point that i literally have like 2 friends only because i threw myself out there and tried to talk to two girls from my online medical terminology class. Seriously...whoa...I was way more social back home. Now my day consists of yelling at the dogs because they keep humping each other.... i have a 1 1/2 year old blue pit named Bailey and a 6month on bichon frise named Chi Chi.... I love them but fucking ew.... anyway, a little depressed right not, but glad I wrote. Its been a long time since ive done this, and i hope its a therapeutic as everyone makes it out to be...

--E.