I wish that I had something good and happy to write about today. I wish my heart wasnt so heavy that i cant think of a single good thing to talk about. I wish my marriage was back to how it used to be. I wish i wasnt being abused...I wish he hadnt flipped out to day and hurt me like he did. i think he wishes that too. im scared. i love him but im so scared. i feel like my mother, being in an abusive marriage. I know what its like to watch a woman get hit, now i know what it feels like too. my wrist is sprained my body aches and i have a gash under my hair on the side of my head from where his keys hit me when he threw them my direction. i hate this. i hate feeling like i dont know who he is anymore. he isnt the man i thought i married. and the funny thing is i thought things would be so much better since his accident. he almost died u kno...and i was there...holding his hand, bathing him, feeding him, fighting with nurses, dealing with doctors and surgeons. i never left him, maybe to go home and sleep a few hours at night, but that was only because he was at a military hospital and i wasnt allowed to stay the night, otherwise i would have. i dont have to do anything that i do for him. i dont have to cook, clean, fuck him, treat him nice, be faithful, support him, manage the money, take care of both dogs...everything. i do everything. im sorry for this post because it puts him and our relationship in such a bad light. and i just want to say, this isnt the usual for us. these past two or three months have been a down hill slope. ever since he started riding his stupid motorcycle again and joined this bike club, he is angry, childish, selfish and he rebels for everything i say. i asked him today if he really wanted to even be married anymore...he said he didnt kno. that when i looked up some info on divorce, i dont kno how it works, and i think i need to prepare myself if that is where this whole situation could lead. do i want it to? NO...would i go thru with it...YES. its not an easy decision, especially when he is all u have know for 4 years and he is your first for pretty much everything. i thought he was my best friend...but his priorities are all messed up. of course he apologized and cried about how he doesnt even recognize himself anf how sorry he is for freaking out like that. that he does love me and wants to work it out. he is gonna go for counseling to deal with his anger issues. he knows that he has emotional problems from the things that happened to him as a child...blah blah blah....ive heard these words before, lets see if he really does it. because honestly, im hanging by a thread. im so depressed and honestly a little suicidal at times. not that i would really do anything, but the thoughts do come to my mind. i feel unappreciated and empty alot of the time and i feel hopeless. I pray and try to talk to God and I guess i am so desperate for a change that i want God to work on my time, but i kno that he doesnt do it that way. I kno how it works, but as a human being our emotions always get the best of us...idk...i really going thru right now, and if anyone out there could say a little prayer that we can make it, i would really appreciate it. night guys....
-E
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